An update about me/Inspiration
it has been AGES since I've made a journal entry.. Last one dated from somewhere in april last year? LOL
things got very busy and bad at my end. I decided last year to split my year in half, so that I could complete my year and bachelor education a bit more peacefull with little to no heavy pressure on my health, which was last year quite.. terrible to say the least..
Well this year, ...
You know, I had the biggest plans, wishes, hopes and dreams...
Unfortunately, 1,5 months ago, I fell in a mental pit.
Sleep was already for months a problem. Not because my work got piled up, but because I simply coudn't sleep well anymorIe. usually I laid for hours awake, and once I did fell asleep, I jumped awake after 2 hours or so from all the nightmares and shit.. other problems such as heart pain, stomache ache, facial rash, severe anxiety attacks, (realy those can scare the shit out of you..), trembling hands, a loss of focus, and even a weird feeling that I forgot what right and left was while I was drawing.. As if I was confused about where my pencil was on the paper..
It got worse and worse, tried to hide it from home where it quickly is seen as weakness and failure.. but I slipped futher away.. Sleep deprivation was so bad that at night I was awake, and during the day so tired, so emotion/energy less.. I've seen some lowpoints during that period.. I felt so life-less.. I didn't want to kill myself, but coudn't bare ""living"" like this anymore.
for two weeks I stayed at my student home in Genk, 100km from my actual home, and because I coudn't even come outside, I didn't spoke that entire time...
but still I had this idea that I could get out of this myself..
unfortunately, in a very very stupid way, my family got word of my bad condition, and suddenly al alarmbels were raised. I was suddenly the sick sister with a potential personality disorder, I had to go to a Shrink, I had to go to a mental hospital to be hospitalized.. al the professional help I found myself (based on Christian values of life) were suddenly not good.. suddenly the entire discussion in my family about religion, faith and God were as good as new again.. many family discussions, so many anxiety attacks.. one so severe that my fingers pulled into the weirdest position, the feeling that a thousand needles were stung in my facial skin..
But things settled down a bit, I went to see the docter, who gave me a month rest at home, I went to talk to a mental hospital, faith councelors, docters, all that stuf.. blood is being tested to check if I don't have a condition that causes my above symptoms (I think not.. most stuf is just mental, I guess)
and I went last week on a ski-holiday to make a decision about what help I should get (hospitalization or ambulant), and what I should do with school, BUT unfortunately, on my last slope of the holliday I made a terible fall.. tomorrow I'm having a ct-scan, but there is a big possibility that my hip is either broken, or some severe damage with the cartilage of the joint..
I cannot drive, so school becomes almost no option at all.. No chance to finish my education where I worked 4years for this year
I could do it again next year, but to be honest, I don't feel like it anymore...
so... to make this journal not all mopey and dopey,
today I finaly started to draw again.. it has been 2 months since I last did it?.. It feels great. it's nothing fancy, but it's a bit learning again to see the fun in making art I guess... not with the pressure to prove my worth, but to enjoy what I do...
and I have a question for you guys,
are some of you up for a trade? I haven't done one in ages, and I feel like this might be a good time to try one or two out again. There is STILL 1 ACEO card that I need to finish first, but after that, I'm up for it.
so I you want, please let me know by writing me a note or a comment on this yournal with a Link to your character, and a why, why you want to do a trade, why you want me to draw your character, or why you want to draw mine (Lyswen btw : lyswen.deviantart.com/art/Arsi…
I cannot pick everybody, and it's not first come, first serve.
and perhaps a second question if you want to type,
how did you find your way after school? did you go to college? was it needed to be where you are? Is art a profession or a hobby for you? (or something in between?)
what is your filosophy to deal with failure?
and, do you have advice for me? :>
... overall, I think that I need to understand a certain mindset that I'm not just what I do...
it's who I am... what is my identity? ... it figures that the possibilities are endless...
but who am I ment to be?..
To do list - Waiting list
I'm trying to fill my to do list with all sorts of wicked stuff I still need to do! some are.... very old, and I'm sorry to never have finished them, but they never left my mind, so Ill continue working on finishing them! if there is something that I need to do for you (something I forgot) please, let me know by writing me a note!
Commission Painting: paint animal totem
Nothing now..; for there is nothing that quite inspires me now..